My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
