one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
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