if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
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