btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Randomize
