I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
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