I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Randomize
