I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
