Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
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