My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
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