Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
