There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
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