If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I could fuck to npr.
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
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