My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
What did we do last night that was yellow?
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
