remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
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