I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Randomize
