i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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