I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
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