I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
