I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
