WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
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