did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
No, computers are like whores. moody bitches that cost too much and no matter how much protection you have you can still get a virus
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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