I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
Randomize
