i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Randomize
