I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
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