Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
Randomize
