i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
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