last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
she had no gag reflex. and is an abercrombie model. i love college.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
