I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
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