When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
My boob is missing a layer of skin
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
Randomize
