Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
I would ride that face into the sunset
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
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