You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
