what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
high people should be assigned attendants
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
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