I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
ron's 8" boning knife is for sale. oh and it comes with a flavor injector.
High?
hahahahaha turkey breast
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
