Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
Sober January is a disaster.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
