five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
Randomize
