Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
