i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
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