Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Everclear isn't food dammit
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Randomize
