I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
She just used a chaser for red wine.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Two words: nipple clamps
Randomize
