my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
Randomize
