On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
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