I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
Randomize
