also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
