Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
you know who we are? We're the female white stoner version of Kenan and Kel.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
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