next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
Randomize
