The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Randomize
