I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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