Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
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