if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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