The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
It's no shave November. This is our time.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
Randomize
