i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
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